Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 6360 times)

Offline Dave Price

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Jokes
« on: January 25, 2018, 07:58:37 PM »
MARINE CORPS EXERCISE REGIMEN FOR PEOPLE OVER 70
For those of us over 70 - this is a great exercise regimen - for you young'uns
out there (under 70), just keep it in mind until you reach that magic 70 number !

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room
on each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight
out from your sides. Hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position
for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato
bags, and then eventually, try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag
in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm currently at this level)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Offline JohnP

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2018, 08:08:20 AM »


Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said, “But the sun is too hot. How can your man land on the sun?” There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Kim Jong-Un quietly answered “We will land at night”.

The gathering and everyone in North Korea watching on television broke into thunderous applause.

Back in Washington, Nancy Pelosi and her entourage were watching the news conference. When Pelosi heard what Kim said, she sneered, “What an idiot. Everybody knows there’s no sun at night.”

Her office broke into thunderous applause.

I am pretty sure this is all true.
I carry a gun because I'm to young to die and to old to take an ass whipping.

"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - Hamlin Garland

Offline JohnP

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2018, 12:34:58 PM »
A 75 year old man is having a drink in a local bar.
Suddenly a gorgeous woman enters and sits down a few seats away.
The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her.
After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes
and says to him in a sultry tone: “I’ll do anything you’d like.
Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how
extreme or unusual it is, I’m game. I want $100, and there’s another condition”.
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her
condition is.“You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 $10 bills in her outstretched hand.
He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly says:



“Paint my house.”
I carry a gun because I'm to young to die and to old to take an ass whipping.

"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - Hamlin Garland

Offline JohnP

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2018, 10:32:29 AM »

 Ya just gotta love Senior Warrant Officers
The Pentagon has ordered that all military commanders provide female personnel with separate, private, "OFF LIMITS" quarters on all bases.

While addressing all male personnel at Fort Hood, Texas, the Commanding General said,

"Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males.  All males caught breaking this rule will cost them $50 the first time." The General continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time and it will cost you $150. Being caught a third time will cost you $500.
 
Are there any questions?"

 At this point, a Senior Warrant Officer stood up in the crowd and inquired:

 "How much for a season pass?
I carry a gun because I'm to young to die and to old to take an ass whipping.

"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - Hamlin Garland

Offline Dave Price

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2018, 08:29:25 PM »
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says………
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”
“Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. ”
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon …. Every imaginable kind of cured pork.
“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.”
“Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”
“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.”
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
“Pepe… Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”
“Luis, Luis MI amigo… What ees it? ”
“Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees a ham bush….”

Offline JohnP

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2018, 04:19:09 PM »
God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
Honor thy Father and Mother..'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'
I carry a gun because I'm to young to die and to old to take an ass whipping.

"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - Hamlin Garland

Offline JohnP

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2018, 11:31:25 AM »

love this story.  Lay down what's bothering you, breath in the fresh air and LISTEN  to this story.
 
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the  flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service fora homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

 I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

 I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.  And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

 As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

 

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

 

When you have stopped laughing be sure to forward this on to others who would enjoy a good story.

 
I carry a gun because I'm to young to die and to old to take an ass whipping.

"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - Hamlin Garland

Offline JohnP

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #7 on: March 01, 2018, 10:29:43 AM »
   
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, ​​​looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

​​"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," ​ ​said Steven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a ​ ​couple of bolts, and laid the pole ​ ​down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their jobs ​ ​and are currently serving in the United States Congress.
I carry a gun because I'm to young to die and to old to take an ass whipping.

"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - Hamlin Garland

Offline JohnP

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #8 on: March 02, 2018, 09:11:25 AM »

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break
in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall..  As
yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few
shelves and display racks set up.


One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now
some old senior is going to walk by, put his face to the
window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman
walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped
on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you
selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing
well…Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with us. We didn't get old by
being stupid!
 
I carry a gun because I'm to young to die and to old to take an ass whipping.

"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - Hamlin Garland

Offline JohnP

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #9 on: March 03, 2018, 06:24:24 PM »

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'  '98,' she replied....
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
I carry a gun because I'm to young to die and to old to take an ass whipping.

"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - Hamlin Garland

Offline JohnP

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #10 on: March 05, 2018, 01:38:16 PM »

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?'  the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
I carry a gun because I'm to young to die and to old to take an ass whipping.

"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - Hamlin Garland

Offline JohnP

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #11 on: March 07, 2018, 01:26:48 PM »
 True love and text messaging..................... ........
 An elderly couple learned to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife, a retired college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired salty Army Senior Warrant Officer of thirty years service, was a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbucks to meet a friend for coffee.  While awaiting her friend's arrival, she exercised her new skill by sending her husband a romantic text message: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.  If you are laughing, send me your smile.  If you are eating, send me a bite.  If you are drinking, send me a sip.  If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

Her husband responded:  "I'm taking' a shit.   Please advise."

Almost brings a tear to my eye.
I carry a gun because I'm to young to die and to old to take an ass whipping.

"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - Hamlin Garland

Offline Dave Price

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #12 on: March 08, 2018, 05:48:13 AM »
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know crap?”

And then she went back to reading her book.

Offline JohnP

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #13 on: March 14, 2018, 09:03:05 PM »
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When Little Johnny received his plate, he started to eat right away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother. "I don't need to," Little Johnny replied.

"Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook.
I carry a gun because I'm to young to die and to old to take an ass whipping.

"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - Hamlin Garland

Offline JohnP

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #14 on: March 15, 2018, 10:19:48 AM »
An Irishman's first drink with his son
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.  Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness.  He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?  He didn't.  I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!   
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky.  He wouldn't even smell it. 
What could I do but drink it!



By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!
I carry a gun because I'm to young to die and to old to take an ass whipping.

"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - Hamlin Garland