Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 5974 times)

Offline Bottom Gun

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #105 on: October 30, 2018, 01:45:58 PM »

        Experts have found the following analysis to be nearly 100% accurate:
                 
        1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

        2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

        3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

        4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times.

        5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could find the time and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

        6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

        7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train

        8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

        9. The Chicago Tribune is read by people who are in prison, who used to run the state, and would like to do so again, as would their constituents who are currently free on bail.

        10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

        11. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions, such as, if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheists, and those who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided, of course, they are not Republicans.

        12. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

        13. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.


Offline JohnP

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #106 on: October 30, 2018, 01:52:08 PM »
 :thumb23:
I carry a gun because I'm to young to die and to old to take an ass whipping.

"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - Hamlin Garland

Offline JohnP

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #107 on: October 31, 2018, 02:11:19 PM »
After nearly 40 years of marriage, Charlie and his wife were lying in bed . . . Suddenly the wife felt Charlie begin to massage her in ways he hadn't done in quite some time . . .

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back . . . .

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach . . . .

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf . . . Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg . . . .

He continued in the same manner on her right side ....then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent . . . .

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice....“Honey, that was wonderful ....Why did you stop . .?

To which he responded.... “Huh?  Oh, I found the remote . . . . !"
I carry a gun because I'm to young to die and to old to take an ass whipping.

"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - Hamlin Garland

Offline JohnP

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #108 on: November 07, 2018, 10:30:16 AM »
An elderly couple was attending church services.  About halfway through the service she leans over to her husband and said, "I just let out a silent fart, what should I do?"  To which he replied:  "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
I carry a gun because I'm to young to die and to old to take an ass whipping.

"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - Hamlin Garland

Offline JohnP

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #109 on: December 04, 2018, 03:54:25 PM »
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.  At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.  As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that.  But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks.  And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."
You gotta love Grandmas!
I carry a gun because I'm to young to die and to old to take an ass whipping.

"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - Hamlin Garland

Offline JohnP

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #110 on: December 10, 2018, 09:46:06 AM »
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! “You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

"No," she replies. . .

“You just happened to catch my eye.”
I carry a gun because I'm to young to die and to old to take an ass whipping.

"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - Hamlin Garland

Offline JohnP

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #111 on: December 17, 2018, 01:25:16 PM »


Chuck Schumer was visiting a Washington D.C. primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Schumer if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So Mr Schumer asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.  A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Schumer. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying
fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

‘I'm afraid not’, explained Schumer, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Schumer
searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and
said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mrs. Pelosi and The
Obamas and Mrs. Clinton was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile
& blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic' exclaimed Schumer, 'and can you tell me why that would
be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it
certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably
wouldn't be a damn accident either!'
I carry a gun because I'm to young to die and to old to take an ass whipping.

"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - Hamlin Garland

Offline JohnP

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #112 on: February 06, 2019, 10:51:22 AM »
It was share day at school and it was little Jack's turn . The teacher asked Jack what does your father do for work . Jack said: "He is a male stripper at a gay bar, and turns tricks in the alley for extra cash" After class the teacher said Jack I want to talk to you, she asked: "Is your dad really a male stripper?" He replied:  "No he's a reporter for CNN but I was too embarrassed to say that."
I carry a gun because I'm to young to die and to old to take an ass whipping.

"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - Hamlin Garland

Offline JohnP

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #113 on: February 10, 2019, 03:11:15 PM »
Jose and Carlos are beggars in Los Angeles. They beg in different areas of town, but both areas are about equally prosperous
Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but collects only about $8.00 or $9.00 a day.
Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten-dollar bills every day. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend.
"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, “I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?
Jose says, “Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos reads his sign: "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support." "What's wrong with that?"
"No wonder you only get $8.00 or $9.00 a day!" says Jose.
Carlos says, “All right, what is on your sign?"
Jose shows him:
Sign says "I only need $10 to get back to Mexico."
I carry a gun because I'm to young to die and to old to take an ass whipping.

"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - Hamlin Garland

Offline JohnP

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #114 on: April 04, 2019, 10:50:47 AM »
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's Economics Degree Recalled

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez spent a few minutes on Twitter lamenting the price of a croissant at an airport, linking it to the need for a higher minimum wage for some reason, an independent degree quality control board issued an emergency recall on her economics degree.

Basic Economic Understanding Bureau officials burst into the congresswoman's office and confiscated her economics degree early Tuesday morning "for the safety of the nation." They found it hanging on the wall next to a hammer & sickle flag. They tore it down and returned it to Boston University for safekeeping.

"We received distress calls from millions of concerned Americans," one BEUB official said. "We pulled up Representative Ocasio-Cortez's Twitter account, and sure enough, she compared the price of a croissant with the price of an hour of human labor. She seemed to have no understanding of the underlying facts."

"We get lots of calls like this for economics degrees from Boston University, but we can usually resolve the issue without resorting to confiscation. So it just goes to show that this was definitely a 911 situation we have here," he added sternly.

While officials were not allowed to detain Ocasio-Cortez herself for a recall and were forced to release her after questioning, they recommended she read Basic Economics by Thomas Sowell or Economics in One Lesson by Henry Hazlitt to aid her in her recovery.
I carry a gun because I'm to young to die and to old to take an ass whipping.

"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - Hamlin Garland

Offline Dave Price

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #115 on: April 14, 2019, 08:00:58 PM »
A string wants a drink and walks up to the bar entrance. A sign clearly states "no strings allowed". So, he ties himself in a knot and fluffs up both ends.

He walks into the bar, and the bar tender looks him over and asks "are you a string?"

The string replies "nope, I'm a frayed knot".


Offline JohnP

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #116 on: April 17, 2019, 12:10:32 PM »

 

On their wedding night, the young bride
approached her new husband and asked
for $20.00 for their first lovemaking
encounter. In his highly aroused state,
her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other
incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what
he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they
were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.
I know, I didn’t see this coming either

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut

 
I carry a gun because I'm to young to die and to old to take an ass whipping.

"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - Hamlin Garland

Offline JohnP

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #117 on: June 10, 2019, 10:36:26 AM »
Parade in Washington celebrating Pelosi


An associate of Nancy Pelosi told her she had a fantastic dream the other night.
There was a humongous parade in  Washington celebrating Pelosi.
Millions lined the parade route, cheering when  Nancy went past. 
It was the biggest celebration  Washington had ever seen.
Nancy was very impressed and said, "That's really great! 
By the way, how did I look in your dream?  Was my hair OK?

She replied; "I couldn't tell, the casket was closed".

 
God Bless  America !!!!!
I carry a gun because I'm to young to die and to old to take an ass whipping.

"Whenever the pressure of our complex city life thins my blood and numbs my brain, I seek relief in the trail; and when I hear the coyote wailing to the yellow dawn, my cares fall from me - I am happy." - Hamlin Garland